This theory of mine came to fruition this summer out of my struggle with these two types of guys. Guys don't nicely fit into one category or the other, so bear with me. I'm also not suggesting all guys are summed up by these two groupings. I just chose to compare one to the other.
First, the nice guy... He establishes a friendship first. He's respectful of women. He doesn't idealize you, he doesn't value your physical attributes over your intellectual assets. He'll never ogle you.
Second, the not-the-right-guy-for-me guy. He's not necessarily a bad guy, he's just not the right one, for whatever reason. He is very clear in his motives; friendship is not what he's after. He will idealize your physical attributes till the sun goes down, and he's not shy about vocalizing that. Respect may be present with this guy, but it's not at all the same kind of respect the nice guy has. The NTRGFM guy, if he has respect, it's more of an idealized thing - he has you on a pedestal. This guy will not try to get to know you in order to figure out who you are as a whole. He wants to keep you at a distance so whatever it is that makes you so ideal STAYS ideal.
So here's the dilemma: assuming that you have finally, after years of anguish, finally gotten to the point of considering the nice guy as a potential significant other...assuming this, the nice guy will not pursue! The nice guy, and for reasons I have not yet figured out, will not ask you out. If he does, he's all timid about it, and by the look on his face, he's non-verbally telling you he believes you'll say no, so go right ahead and dash his hopes. That, or he asks and then downplays the date. (I once had a 'date' with a nice guy - afternoon coffee - and he brought a friend. I felt so defeated that there had to be a chaperone involved!)
The NTRGFM guy, on the other hand, ogles and ogles. He may not be outright asking for a date, but everything about his interactions with you are obvious that he's pursuing. He's relentless. He's persistent. He doesn't give up no matter how many times you blow him off.
The thing that stinks is, you KNOW the latter is not right for you. You KNOW it, and you blow the guy off, but by being persistent, he gets stuck in your head. After a while, you start doubting yourself. Maybe you were being too harsh in your judgement of him. Maybe, since this is really the only guy pursuing you, this is what you should take. And you may be lonely. So all of a sudden, even though you know this is not the right guy, in your weakness, you've been worn down. He makes you feel beautiful. The nice guy, after lots of time (you definitely have to be dating the nice guy for a WHILE first), makes you feel cute. But cute is just so.....girl, not woman.
Why can't the nice guy be more persistent? Why can't he pursue more confidently? What is holding him back from making the first move?
It's so frustrating really, to be in the position of wanting the nice guy, but not ever getting him because the nice guy doesn't want to ruin the friendship, or risk rejection, or whatever it is. To top it off, I'm not a pursuer. I've never asked a guy out, and never plan to. Initiative from the guy is important to me. Even if I were a pursuer, nice guys get a little freaked out by that. So there's no winning anyway you go about it.
What's the solution to this mess?
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