Just one loaf of bread...

I just started back to work last week after two months of maternity leave (plus a week and a half before that of being on bed rest). Maternity leave was the best idea anyone's had in years. I had no idea until after the birth of my son how difficult it would be to balance this new part of my life with all the other bits and pieces of it.

Towards the end of my leave, I got this idea stuck in my head, and I'm not sure where it came from or how it became so strong, but I HAD to make bread before I went back to work. I couldn't explain it, it was just something I had to do. Even on maternity leave when life was so much simpler, it took several days to get planned out. First I looked through my bread book (the name of it is actually Bread) to pick out the recipe. Then I had to think ahead far enough to figure out when that week I could logistically make the pre-ferment in the evening and have the next day relatively free to do the rest of the steps. I finally settled on an evening/day that would work and got to work on my bread.

The process of making the pre-ferment (I used a pate fermentee), letting it do its work overnight, then periodically mixing it with other ingredients, folding it, pre-shaping it, letting it bulk ferment, shaping the final loaves, and then steam baking the loaves was quite an ordeal. This bread guy is like the Martha Stewart of the bread world, and that's probably why I knew I had to use one of his recipes (really rather than recipes, they're formulas. This is big time science). Trying to balance caring for a baby and all the other things going on at home with with making this bread was a lot. There were steps I couldn't get to in time because my husband had made dinner and it would have been bad to not eat so I could tend to my bread (especially when we had someone over for dinner). Since I had never made any of these breads before, it was overwhelming at times trying to read and retain what the next step entailed, while trying to answer questions my husband had about things (was it 'what do you want to drink for dinner?' or 'do you think we need to do another load of diapers to get us through the weekend?' or 'when are you going to make another batch of baby wipes?' I'm not sure).

Whatever it was that caused me to decide that making this bread was something that I had to do, I don't know, but it was a great lesson for me in balancing and dealing with something that could be overwhelming at times. That's right where I am right now with work and the rest of my life, only on such a larger scale than baking bread. There are steps that happen late or not at all. I'm having a hard time retaining information while simultaneously answering questions or emails or trying to figure out how many diapers and bottles are needed to make it through a nine hour day away from home. I'm at work physically, but having the most difficult time retaining what my job entails and keeping all my projects straight. Sleep deprivation is making it hard to remember some people's names, or to be able to count three hours from now (seriously, that's often an impossible task for me - I miss numbers now that my kindergarten self would have breezed through). Then I get home in the evening and fall asleep feeding my son, and guiltily wonder if he's unusually fussy this evening because this transition of being home with me to being at a babysitter's all day is traumatic for him in some way. My husband asks me after several minutes of an inconsolable baby crying in my lap if I want him to take the baby. I say no because I need to be the one to calm him down this time. I need to know I can still do that, and that I'm not failing my new job as a mom.

I miss the day of baking a loaf of bread. I had no idea then what these days back at work would be like. It wasn't emotionally traumatic leaving my days at home with my son like I thought. It's really hard dealing with a whole new level of this balancing act. How do people have children and still work? How does this work?? I know in my head there will come a day that I'll look back at this stage and smile, not knowing exactly when I transitioned to being able to handle it all much better. Knowing that day will come helps now. But in the meantime, this is still difficult, just like it was to get that bread made.

shalom

I'm reading a book right now called To Be Told by Dan Allender. He talks about the concept of shalom - a sense of peace; "shalom often comes in a moment of tranquility and innocence....shalom is simultaneously invigorating and restful. It stirs and calms. It can bring the heart to a rest that may lead to sleep, but it is more likely to draw us to awe and wonder."

This morning I both witnessed and experienced a sense of shalom. I was feeding my seven week old and he had just finished eating. He let go of his neck muscles, letting his head sway with the rocking of the chair. His face was messy, covered in milk. He wasn't at all tense, just relaxed with smiles breaking out every so often. He almost always eats with his eyes closed, and his eyes were closed at this moment. I'm never really sure if he's awake or asleep. He just looked utterly content and at peace with the world. Seeing him like that gave me a sense of peace and contentment too.

I'll miss moments like this when I go back to work next week. Nothing work can offer compares to experiences like this. Eight weeks is such a short amount of time, even though it feels like forever since I've been at work. I never expected to want to stay home once we had a baby, but now I understand why so many women have said that everything changes once the baby comes. I don't feel like the 'work' chapter of my life is over - that and it makes sense for us practically for me to be working, so I'll be heading back next week. I just wonder how much I'll be distracted, wondering how my son is doing, wishing I could experience a little shalom once again.

long lost blog

I haven't blogged anything since the year 2005!! I fell off the wagon in a huge way.

We live out in the country now, where we have all the privacy in the world, space to spare, and all kinds of new neighbors like coyotes, moles, and birds that hate the fact that we park our cars right by their shed-turned-world's-largest-bird-house. You really must kill a mole before you die. Somehow it makes life much more worthwhile.

I've just been thinking about gender 'chores' lately. One chore that I found taken off my plate for the first year or so of being married was laundry. Don't get me wrong, I LOATHED the laundromat. Losing this chore wasn't the worst thing that I've experienced. But I really am anal. I like my clothes folded like I like them. There are certain things that you really need to fold a certain way - because I've tried the other ways and found that this is the best. So now that we live in a real house with real laundry machines, I am the laundry-doer. And I love it. I love folding everything the right way, I love even organizing my folded clothes with the other stuff that goes in the same drawer, so when I put them all away it's more efficient.

He mows the yard, which all men are supposed to do. He loves it. I mowed once while he was in Greece for two weeks, and the mower died on the lawn. It sat there on a hill looking like a new lawn ornament for a couple days. Very attractive. I had a huge bruise on the heel of my hand for several days after my mowing experience because I must have been gripping for my life. I swore at times that thing was going to launch me off in a fierce way.

We have such reversed roles in other ways, that it seems weird we both really like these two chores that are supposed to belong to each of us. But somehow it works, and that's a good thing.

I have found that cows are really great too. More on cows another time. I never knew before that cows sound off their own alarms and even sing to you once they finally decide they like you.

Anyway, I'm blogging again - at least for today.

It's Official

Finally.....Immigration pulled through, I was able to import my man (for a mere $6 USD at the border!), and we got married a little over a week later. What a summer.

I'll post some photos soon to the website - once I get more photos in, and also after some kind soul teaches me how to post photos to the site. I am so html-illiterate.

He's super cute, and he cooks!!! It's quite a transition going from eating dinner when I remembered (and that usually consisted of cookies or something) to having dinner already made when I get home!!! Is this what husbands feel like?

We're plowing ahead...

Wedding plans are now officially in full swing. We've been holding off somewhat until we had a better idea on the likelihood of getting his visa *before* the date we had set, and after a very positive phone call I had late Friday with my contact at my Senator's office, we have decided to move forward with our September date and keep our fingers crossed. Even though it's still a big unknown, just having made a decision on this has made me feel better.

For several weeks I've been wavering between making a decision to keep with our date out of faith, or making a decision on conventional wisdom to postpone. We weren't even supposed to get word of Homeland Security's approval for our visa application until the 15th of August at the absolute earliest. After making a call into my Congressman's office several weeks ago, we got approval on our application one week later, less than 60 days after applying! This is unheard of, according to everyone I've talked to who works closely with visas. Now we have two more departments that need to process and clear our application, and several hundred more dollars before we can have the visa in hand and get him across the border. So at this point, we've decided to head right into it, counting on God to move the government and get the visa processed quickly.

Weddings are such a pain to plan. I really don't see what most brides get all worked up about. I'm just excited to *be* married. I could do without all the hoopla. But the girl side of me does want a little of the excitement - I *am* getting married, afterall. Whether people are less excited about a wedding past the prime wedding years, or if it's just a product of being on my own for so long and doing everything on my own, it's hard to say. As a single person, you learn to get used to not having a huge deal made about milestones, since you don't have a built-in person who's required to plan things. So I'm finding myself sometimes struggling with expectations, and reminding myself to stay focused on the things I need to stay focused on. I'm learning a lot about needing to ask people to get involved in things that are important for me not to do alone. It also helps remind me that people's support for our marriage goes beyond the ceremony and the cake. I know the real test is after we're married, but I need to ask for people to get involved now too.

my newest brilliant plan

Recently, I've been thinking...wouldn't it be cool to have kids with names that are all palindromes? A lot of people do the common theme with the names of their kids - all names starting with the same letter, or all have middle names that are in the family. But who has kids with names that are spelled the same forwards and backwards??

You start with Mom and Dad - already palindromes! So here are the kids' names I've come up with so far... Please add your suggestions to the pool so I'm adequately prepared once the kids start coming.

Girls:
Ana or Anna
Hannah
Barbra B.
Lil

Boys:
Bob
Race Car
Abba

Another option is to spell the last name backwards for an instant first name! This only works with one kid though.

we need more holidays here...

Ok, so I haven't done formal research on this, but it seems like every other country in the western world has way more holidays than we do. Is there a reason why we haven't been smarter about enacting more national holidays?

The first holiday I'd add is July the 5th. Just extend the current day celebrating our independence to include the day after as well. Seriously...they don't start fireworks until after 9pm. That lasts, what, an hour? Then you shoot off some of your own fireworks. You make it home, and look - the NEIGHBORS are still shooting off fireworks. Loud fireworks. It's impossible to fall asleep when loud things are exploding right outside your windows.

I'm sure someone out there has calculated the exact dollar amount of lost productivity when the nation shuts down for a day. But what about the benefit of giving people adequate time off for rest? What's the advantage of that in dollars? How productive is everyone today, when we're all groggily trying to work?